Weekends are so very difficult and I struggle the most with this kind of “freedom” from routine. During the week having to work makes everything easy to break down into smaller segments throughout the day so things don’t seem as difficult. On the weekend its 24 hours of chaos with very little planned to take up my time and trying to break that mindset while becoming more active and busy is proving even more difficult than I imagined. I do so much better with a schedule of things to do at certain times but making the schedule myself isn’t easy for me to accomplish, not to mention actually having to hold myself accountable to actually following through with that schedule. And then there’s boredom, and boredom leads to irresponsible things like snacking or drinking or just being lazy; my vices. I’m struggling with breaking this and in fact I’m stressing about it greatly and it’s only making matters worse. It feeds into and off of my anxiety and that leads to my depression getting stirred up. You’d figure that after living most of my life with depression and anxiety issues I’d have a better handle on them but once you seem to have things figured out they morph into something new and you’re left starting over again.
I have dealt with depression and anxiety since high school, if not earlier, and they’ve only gotten progressively more intense and more regular since then. It wasn’t until recently was I actually diagnosed with dysthymic disorder, or dysthymia, which is a persistent depressive disorder that can last for months or years at a time per episode. I have a support system that is very helpful in my daily life along with seeing medical professionals for help on a more clinical level (therapy and medication) but even with that there are some very rough patches. For me there’s always feeling of waiting for “the other shoe to drop” so it’s not often that there are prolonged periods of respite which has made me a very jaded person. I’m not good at embracing the good while its here and it’s something I am constantly trying to work on, not to just be a happier person but I feel it will make me a healthier person too. All this being said it all ties into my weight, depression makes me eat when want to eat even when I’m not hungry, it makes me want to drink to self medicate, it makes me restless but not want to do anything. It’s all a vicious cycle that feeds off of itself but its a cycle I’m trying to break constantly and usually unsuccessfully which has led a lot into me wanting this surgery. I’m not looking for it to be a cure for all of this but if it can be another aid to help me and keep things from spiraling our of control at any given point then I’m all on board. And maybe the weight loss in general will help with some of these feelings since body image has always been a factor, while also helping me feel more energetic so I can be more active to have those natural endorphins running through me then it’s a win-win-win.
So this post all come about after having my psych evaluation for the surgery, and while the evaluation wasn’t nearly as in-depth as I was expecting, it definitely started me on this post. I feel like most of what I just typed was me babbling through my fingers and I hope its coherent enough to give some more in-depth ideas as to why I want this surgery and my hopes for what it will accomplish. So I’ll finish it off with my stats…
Starting weight: 279.6
Today’s weight: 272.5