Self-Deprecating. Self-Defeating. Self-Fulfilling Prophecies.

So when I finally decided to start the process to get my weight loss surgery I had to visit my PCP for a referral to the surgeon, that day I weighed in at 282 lbs. That was the weight I was maintaining and was pretty much the highest I have been my whole life. Today I weighed myself and was 268 lbs and I’m roughly 3 months out from that PCP appointment. I feel like I should be proud or at least much more excited, my friends and family are proud so why shouldn’t I be? Part of it feels like I should have never gotten that far along in the first place and I’m just recovering from a spiral out of control but I’ve been that heavy for longer than I can remember. Most of it though feels like I should have lost more already, but I decided not to radically change my diet and “ease” into it, I didn’t cut back on my drinking until a few weeks ago, I haven’t become more active like I’ve been saying I should. I’m exactly where I should be for what I’ve done so far, I’m right in the middle of the mindset of my title for this post.

If I tried hard I could fail and would think of that failure and hate myself more while eating my fifth slice of pizza with my fourth beer. Maybe I am just taking the easy way out with the surgery because it’ll be the safety net that I can’t get rid of. In the past if I didn’t get results fast enough I just say its not working and revert back to my shit habits. I’d tell myself “well I’m just going to skip this one day and go right back to my routine” I’ve failed diets, I’ve failed working out, I’ve failed myself. This surgery is my reset button and yes it will be a safety net but I don’t believe I’m strong enough without it over a long period of time. I’m just rambling at this point, there’s too many thoughts bouncing around in my head that I just needed to get out. To end this on a positive note, things I should be proud of and excited about.

I’ve lost 14 lbs.

I’m eating better, eating more normal sized portions, snacking less.

I’m drinking less.

I’m calling myself out on my bullshit. And now to keep all of this up.

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