So I am a little over two months post surgery and I haven’t updated in about six weeks in spite of telling myself over and over again that I would do it tomorrow but we’re gonna break all of that down today. Initially I had planned on keeping this up to date fairly regularly post surgery but in my mind nothing important was going on so why blog about nothing, then decided I would write again when I hit a milestone and well I did that last week and still haven’t updated anything. The biggest reason I haven’t is I hit a major depression shortly after my surgery, so along with learning how my new body functions I had to deal with my mind tearing my apart.
This was one of the worst depressions I’ve gone through honestly and it wasn’t because of how bad it affected me but more because of how long it went on. At first I didn’t even recognize what was going and just chalked everything up to post surgery adapting but after a few weeks of this I finally figured out that my depression was keeping my mind from healing like my body was. I was lethargic, slept every chance I got, isolated myself from everyone, was beyond fucking irritable when at work and had to be around people and I had no idea how to cope. I generally would get comfort food or get drunk and all of a sudden I couldn’t do either and no amount of preparation could have prepared me for going through this without my normal coping mechanisms. Not only did I lack a way to cope with general depression but the lack of it compounded my depression even further adding its own little flair into feeling fucked up. At dinner one night a family member asked why I seemed so upset after eating and I explained to them that I’m struggling with not being in control of my body and what I want to put into it and their reply was “Well this is what you wanted, you should be happy” and it was at that very point that I started bottling things up again. Yes, this is exactly what I wanted and I’m glad I’ve done it and would gladly do it again but I couldn’t have fathomed the mental fortitude needed to change. Honestly this all reduces down into the main reason for wanting the surgery, I WASN’T STRONG ENOUGH MENTALLY WITHOUT A SAFETY NET, but that sure as fuck doesn’t mean that I’m not going to need time to completely adjust. Finally over the last couple of weeks things have eased up quite a bit and I feel my mental recovering slowly but I know there’s going to be setbacks coming because it seems daily my body is showing me something new about itself.
On to other things… Last Monday I stepped on the scale (I only do this once or twice a week now) and was at my 50 lb lost mark coming in at 232.6 and it was the first time I actually felt happy since the surgery. Again I’m glad I did it, would do it again in a heartbeat, but wasn’t happy at all. Hell if anything I was resentful and hated that I needed it but it is what it is and I need to accept that again. I till haven’t started to become active like I want and need to but have plans to start cycling once I’ve saved up enough money for a road bike and looking into gyms around here that I can afford to pay membership for. I feel like I’m rambling and I know I’m forgetting a lot of stuff I wanted to say but I guess that’ll come in due time but I’m going to post a few pictures of me now and from roughly a year ago.